In avoidance of sentimental crap I have found myself incapable of blogging anything recently. I miss her, she bugs, I wish he would ask me out--all become trivial when you take in a broader perspective. I graduate in 12 weeks. I move to California. I grow up.
But what does growing up entail? Is there some secret ritual one imagines can only be appropriate in a boy's locker room? Are eternal manifestations and visions bestowed upon the aged?
No. I am simply expected to meet the responsibilities of taking care of myself and becoming what society claims is productive. However, I am torn between the self-sufficiency that I crave and the co-dependency that my soul yearns for. I want companionship and autonomy.
Do I have to choose?
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
breaking up is hard to do.
“You’re very fetching. So go... fetch.”
Breakups are a drag. It has given me a stomach ache just seeing him at all since then. You’d think the mutuality of it would help, but I assume hurt feelings cannot be helped. I don’t know what hurts more, losing a friend or the companionship, but why can’t I make a concrete decision ever? Questions compounded upon more questions about whether I’m making the right decisions don’t help the situation… but that’s the clincher isn’t it? This is supposed to be easy—the beginnings at least—and that made my decision for me. Life is about hard decisions: like what fast-food restaurant to go to in a pinch and who’s going to do the dishes tonight. I made one, of many difficult to come, and I’m moving on; but not without the slightest tinge of remorse.
Moving on… I was asked to n.c.m.o. with a friend to get over it. Maybe I’ll have a fling in the gardens on our date next week. Or maybe I’ll get lucky in Provo who knows. That one’s for you Stephie.
Political two cents: I hate that 37% of Americans would not vote for an LDS Presidential Candidate. I often forget that the Mormon bias extends further than my own backyard. What can you do? Sleep well and don’t get hives… they’re itchy.
Breakups are a drag. It has given me a stomach ache just seeing him at all since then. You’d think the mutuality of it would help, but I assume hurt feelings cannot be helped. I don’t know what hurts more, losing a friend or the companionship, but why can’t I make a concrete decision ever? Questions compounded upon more questions about whether I’m making the right decisions don’t help the situation… but that’s the clincher isn’t it? This is supposed to be easy—the beginnings at least—and that made my decision for me. Life is about hard decisions: like what fast-food restaurant to go to in a pinch and who’s going to do the dishes tonight. I made one, of many difficult to come, and I’m moving on; but not without the slightest tinge of remorse.
Moving on… I was asked to n.c.m.o. with a friend to get over it. Maybe I’ll have a fling in the gardens on our date next week. Or maybe I’ll get lucky in Provo who knows. That one’s for you Stephie.
Political two cents: I hate that 37% of Americans would not vote for an LDS Presidential Candidate. I often forget that the Mormon bias extends further than my own backyard. What can you do? Sleep well and don’t get hives… they’re itchy.
Friday, February 2, 2007
And today's Zen Proverb is...
Life is like stepping onto a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink.
-Shunryu Suzuki
My english professor aptly opens class each day with a new zen proverb, hoping beyond probability that our functioningminds will glean enlightenment from these quotations. This one, for example, makes me think that life's going to give me constant ear infections. Or, if related to the gospel, we must cling to the idea of a Tritanic God, because if there's nothing beyond the haze of water we're all just dead anyhow.
On the boy front, clouds are pulling in.
-Shunryu Suzuki
My english professor aptly opens class each day with a new zen proverb, hoping beyond probability that our functioningminds will glean enlightenment from these quotations. This one, for example, makes me think that life's going to give me constant ear infections. Or, if related to the gospel, we must cling to the idea of a Tritanic God, because if there's nothing beyond the haze of water we're all just dead anyhow.
On the boy front, clouds are pulling in.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Kiss the Girl?
What of soul was left, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop?
- Robert Browning
Well not Yet...
So dating is fun. Especially when he has been a good friend. I can only hope that these trends continue in our favor. I could not ask for a more sweet, lovable person... but the questions now remains: Is he my boyfriend? No. Not until he musters up the courage to kiss me. That might take some time, mind you, so be patient. Otherwise it will double my own anticipation. If you havn't already had the pleasure to kiss someone with whom you just fit together like pieces of a long forgotten puzzle, I suggest you try it.
Song in my head...
"I'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and, when we kiss they're perfectly aligned."
-Postal Service
What of soul was left, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop?
- Robert Browning
Well not Yet...
So dating is fun. Especially when he has been a good friend. I can only hope that these trends continue in our favor. I could not ask for a more sweet, lovable person... but the questions now remains: Is he my boyfriend? No. Not until he musters up the courage to kiss me. That might take some time, mind you, so be patient. Otherwise it will double my own anticipation. If you havn't already had the pleasure to kiss someone with whom you just fit together like pieces of a long forgotten puzzle, I suggest you try it.
Song in my head...
"I'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and, when we kiss they're perfectly aligned."
-Postal Service
Monday, January 22, 2007
useless political diatribes? this is what counts.
I live without fear, turmoil, pain. No one has ever restricted my basic rights. The following is an except from the diary of Lieutenant Mark Jennings Daily, a friend of a friend, who died in Iraq on January 14th. I am touched and pained, knowing that I am just one who has contributed nothing to this cause... neither supporting my country, nor myself by actively participating in political matters. These are his words, just two weeks before he died:
"I joined the fight because it occurred to me that many modern day "humanists" who claim to possess a genuine concern for human beings throughout the world are in fact quite content to allow their fellow "global citizens" to suffer under the most hideous state apparatuses and conditions. Their excuses used to be my excuses. When asked why we shouldn't confront the Ba'ath party, the Taliban or the various other tyrannies throughout this world, my answers would allude to vague notions of cultural tolerance (forcing women to wear a veil and stay indoors is such a quaint cultural tradition), the sanctity of national sovereignty (how eager we internationalists are to throw up borders to defend dictatorships!) or even a creeping suspicion of America's intentions. When all else failed, I would retreat to my fragile moral ecosystem that years of living in peace and liberty had provided me. I would write off war because civilian casualties were guaranteed, or temporary alliances with illiberal forces would be made, or tank fuel was toxic for the environment. My fellow "humanists" and I would relish contently in our self righteous declaration of opposition against all military campaigns against dictatorships, congratulating one another for refusing to taint that aforementioned fragile moral ecosystem that many still cradle with all the revolutionary tenacity of the members of Rage Against the Machine and Greenday. Others would point to America's historical support of Saddam Hussein, sighting it as hypocritical that we would now vilify him as a thug and a tyrant. Upon explaining that we did so to ward off the fiercely Islamist Iran, which was correctly identified as the greater threat at the time, eyes are rolled and hypocrisy is declared. Forgetting that America sided with Stalin to defeat Hitler, who was promptly confronted once the Nazis were destroyed, America's initial engagement with Saddam and other regional actors is identified as the ultimate argument against America's moral crusade.
"And maybe it is. Maybe the reality of politics makes all political action inherently crude and immoral. Or maybe it is these adventures in philosophical masturbation that prevent people from ever taking any kind of effective action against men like Saddam Hussein. One thing is for certain, as disagreeable or as confusing as my decision to enter the fray may be, consider what peace vigils against genocide have accomplished lately. Consider that there are 19 year old soldiers from the Midwest who have never touched a college campus or a protest who have done more to uphold the universal legitimacy of representative government and individual rights by placing themselves between Iraqi voting lines and homicidal religious fanatics."
Life is less about how clean your actions are and more about how pure your intentions are.
"I joined the fight because it occurred to me that many modern day "humanists" who claim to possess a genuine concern for human beings throughout the world are in fact quite content to allow their fellow "global citizens" to suffer under the most hideous state apparatuses and conditions. Their excuses used to be my excuses. When asked why we shouldn't confront the Ba'ath party, the Taliban or the various other tyrannies throughout this world, my answers would allude to vague notions of cultural tolerance (forcing women to wear a veil and stay indoors is such a quaint cultural tradition), the sanctity of national sovereignty (how eager we internationalists are to throw up borders to defend dictatorships!) or even a creeping suspicion of America's intentions. When all else failed, I would retreat to my fragile moral ecosystem that years of living in peace and liberty had provided me. I would write off war because civilian casualties were guaranteed, or temporary alliances with illiberal forces would be made, or tank fuel was toxic for the environment. My fellow "humanists" and I would relish contently in our self righteous declaration of opposition against all military campaigns against dictatorships, congratulating one another for refusing to taint that aforementioned fragile moral ecosystem that many still cradle with all the revolutionary tenacity of the members of Rage Against the Machine and Greenday. Others would point to America's historical support of Saddam Hussein, sighting it as hypocritical that we would now vilify him as a thug and a tyrant. Upon explaining that we did so to ward off the fiercely Islamist Iran, which was correctly identified as the greater threat at the time, eyes are rolled and hypocrisy is declared. Forgetting that America sided with Stalin to defeat Hitler, who was promptly confronted once the Nazis were destroyed, America's initial engagement with Saddam and other regional actors is identified as the ultimate argument against America's moral crusade.
"And maybe it is. Maybe the reality of politics makes all political action inherently crude and immoral. Or maybe it is these adventures in philosophical masturbation that prevent people from ever taking any kind of effective action against men like Saddam Hussein. One thing is for certain, as disagreeable or as confusing as my decision to enter the fray may be, consider what peace vigils against genocide have accomplished lately. Consider that there are 19 year old soldiers from the Midwest who have never touched a college campus or a protest who have done more to uphold the universal legitimacy of representative government and individual rights by placing themselves between Iraqi voting lines and homicidal religious fanatics."
Life is less about how clean your actions are and more about how pure your intentions are.
Friday, January 12, 2007
the tree of life and other social nudity.
"You could dig a big pit!"
-Steph
"And throw all the naked people in there?"
-Christine
Does this make you nervous also? Communal nudity is a little sketchy if you ask me. I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. Maybe it's ritualistic, or maybe the "turn and cough" thing really does have merit. But according to Dr. Helga Fleishhauer Hardt, "a child who has never been allowed to see his parents and brothers and sisters naked sees nudity as something shocking." Maybe that's my problem; although I can take none of this to heart. I bathed with my siblings in my youth and I still think group showering is cruel... but I've never been there. I'm just shaken from my experiences in the girls locker room where they've just up and changed if front of everyone. Awkward. Rant over.
But at the same time... have you ever been skinny dipping? It's quite liberating.
Quote of the Moment:
"I bite for good and for evil"
"He is blindfolded, you could do whatever you want!... Yeah! Whatever you want Christine."
-Steph
"And throw all the naked people in there?"
-Christine
Does this make you nervous also? Communal nudity is a little sketchy if you ask me. I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. Maybe it's ritualistic, or maybe the "turn and cough" thing really does have merit. But according to Dr. Helga Fleishhauer Hardt, "a child who has never been allowed to see his parents and brothers and sisters naked sees nudity as something shocking." Maybe that's my problem; although I can take none of this to heart. I bathed with my siblings in my youth and I still think group showering is cruel... but I've never been there. I'm just shaken from my experiences in the girls locker room where they've just up and changed if front of everyone. Awkward. Rant over.
But at the same time... have you ever been skinny dipping? It's quite liberating.
Quote of the Moment:
"I bite for good and for evil"
"He is blindfolded, you could do whatever you want!... Yeah! Whatever you want Christine."
Saturday, January 6, 2007
never name your excrement.
I never thought a wedding would be so stressful! I am in Phoenix right now helping my best friend to plan and shop for her wedding; and as productive as we've been, I cannot help but think this whole thing isn't worth the bother and eloping is the only way to maintain sanity. There have been fights, emotional breakdowns from more than one member of the party and I am continuing to grind my teeth beyond help. Btw... I went to the dentist and he said that I had clenched my jaw so hard in the past few months that I cracked two of my teeth. I'm going to need fillings. Eeek! Anyways, I go home tomorrow, and I welcome the sight of Rexburg and my old friends. If only I could make a pit stop in Colorado it would be perfect.
Quotes of the Trip.
(There were too many I couldn't choose just one!)
"You should never name your excrement"
(In hushed tones while speaking of a certain Winnie)
"He's not a nephew, he's family."
"They're falling!"
(Said as Whitney's mother pulled batteries from her bra... it really looked like she was talking about her chest!)
Infant nephew gets curious about the garter after the garter toss and then proceeds to find out for himself what is the prize that lies within.
Whitney, Shea and I did a visual representation of how the world revolves around Katie, chanting while circling her unamused form. It was classic.
Quotes of the Trip.
(There were too many I couldn't choose just one!)
"You should never name your excrement"
(In hushed tones while speaking of a certain Winnie)
"He's not a nephew, he's family."
"They're falling!"
(Said as Whitney's mother pulled batteries from her bra... it really looked like she was talking about her chest!)
Infant nephew gets curious about the garter after the garter toss and then proceeds to find out for himself what is the prize that lies within.
Whitney, Shea and I did a visual representation of how the world revolves around Katie, chanting while circling her unamused form. It was classic.
Monday, January 1, 2007
rockin resolutions.
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions."
-Joey Adams
It has been my experience that resolutions only last as long as the force pushing them, but here are some of my goals anyways.
1. Work OUT!
2. Keep all of my promises, even to myself
3. Call my sister more.
4. Get kissed like it's the first time all over again. In a blaze of inexhaustible inhibition and awkward assumptions.
5. Read twenty good books. If they're not good, they don't make the the list... and children's books shouldn't count... but I'm going to anyways!
6. Stop wanting for things I cannot/shouldn't have, but keep wishing and dreaming.
[Insert British Accent].
I don't understand the point of all of this actually. I wish I had the drive to start each new day as though it were a new year. It's not as though it's less important, just more minuscule in comparison. As my English accent is worse than you're imagining, let's ease off a bit. I just hope to live and love to the same degree as last year, only with better aim. Because let's face it, we all need a little target practice.
-Joey Adams
It has been my experience that resolutions only last as long as the force pushing them, but here are some of my goals anyways.
1. Work OUT!
2. Keep all of my promises, even to myself
3. Call my sister more.
4. Get kissed like it's the first time all over again. In a blaze of inexhaustible inhibition and awkward assumptions.
5. Read twenty good books. If they're not good, they don't make the the list... and children's books shouldn't count... but I'm going to anyways!
6. Stop wanting for things I cannot/shouldn't have, but keep wishing and dreaming.
[Insert British Accent].
I don't understand the point of all of this actually. I wish I had the drive to start each new day as though it were a new year. It's not as though it's less important, just more minuscule in comparison. As my English accent is worse than you're imagining, let's ease off a bit. I just hope to live and love to the same degree as last year, only with better aim. Because let's face it, we all need a little target practice.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
calming down...
Brown Penny
William Butler Yeats
I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.
The purpose of poetry is make you feel something. again.
empowering the powerless.
"A man gains no possession better than a good woman, nothing more horrible that a bad one."
-unknown
I hate how having feelings for someone gives them an unknown power over you. For instance I'm steamed right now at this boy for liking this blond bimbo... but she's skinny and cute and that's all that matters right? Why do we entrust such a deep part of ourselves with those most likely to hurt and punish us for it? I know it's all part of some plan, finding someone to love so deeply that we, ourselves, can emulate with another the love that our savior has for us... I guess I just answered my own question. I feel a small portion of the pain and scorn our Heavenly Father and His Son feel when we turn from him, knowingly or not; and in our own understanding we come closer to Them. That sucks. One both sides I mean. I am so grateful for my capacity to feel happiness that I guess I forget that the same stroke of good fortune bears bitterness and sorrow within its blow...
... but it's never better to feel nothing.
Quote of the Moment:
"I'm so good, I put clean thoughts in your head."
(My Herbal Essence Shampoo Bottle)
-unknown
I hate how having feelings for someone gives them an unknown power over you. For instance I'm steamed right now at this boy for liking this blond bimbo... but she's skinny and cute and that's all that matters right? Why do we entrust such a deep part of ourselves with those most likely to hurt and punish us for it? I know it's all part of some plan, finding someone to love so deeply that we, ourselves, can emulate with another the love that our savior has for us... I guess I just answered my own question. I feel a small portion of the pain and scorn our Heavenly Father and His Son feel when we turn from him, knowingly or not; and in our own understanding we come closer to Them. That sucks. One both sides I mean. I am so grateful for my capacity to feel happiness that I guess I forget that the same stroke of good fortune bears bitterness and sorrow within its blow...
... but it's never better to feel nothing.
Quote of the Moment:
"I'm so good, I put clean thoughts in your head."
(My Herbal Essence Shampoo Bottle)
Saturday, December 23, 2006
the dynamics of family.
Love is not love which alters where it alteration finds.
William Shakespeare
My family dynamics are follows:
Someone initiates funny comment.
All laugh at funny comment.
Carry on polite, intermittent conversation for twenty minutes.
Repeat.
As wonderful as my family is, they are in desperate need some excitement in their lives. So "there's no place like home for the holidays," and I have immersed myself in baking cookies, shopping for presents and fighting with my brother over the car. I have missed being home.
Speaking of family dynamics, the Chatterfamily still cracks me up. Apparently my friendship with Crackerton is contingent upon the payment of one 'secret Christmas jammies.' What we failed to tell her was that there was $100 sewed into the seams. Why else would Chattermom have sent the jammies wrapped in a secure box? Chatterben is democratic with insults, considering each case with equality and poignantly scathing everyone equally to his own delectation. It all makes me laugh.
Quote of the moment:
"Awww.... You made me ink"
(while considering Pirates of the Caribbean's Davey Jones at 7)
William Shakespeare
My family dynamics are follows:
Someone initiates funny comment.
All laugh at funny comment.
Carry on polite, intermittent conversation for twenty minutes.
Repeat.
As wonderful as my family is, they are in desperate need some excitement in their lives. So "there's no place like home for the holidays," and I have immersed myself in baking cookies, shopping for presents and fighting with my brother over the car. I have missed being home.
Speaking of family dynamics, the Chatterfamily still cracks me up. Apparently my friendship with Crackerton is contingent upon the payment of one 'secret Christmas jammies.' What we failed to tell her was that there was $100 sewed into the seams. Why else would Chattermom have sent the jammies wrapped in a secure box? Chatterben is democratic with insults, considering each case with equality and poignantly scathing everyone equally to his own delectation. It all makes me laugh.
Quote of the moment:
"Awww.... You made me ink"
(while considering Pirates of the Caribbean's Davey Jones at 7)
Thursday, December 14, 2006
daddy's girl.
"The devil was the first democrat."
-Lord Byron
I love my father. He brings into my days hilarity of which bring me unestimable pleasure. This is only one example of his influence in who I am today.
"Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant."
Quote of the day:
"I don't feel like being a slut tonight. Maybe some other time"
"I certainly hope so!"
-Lord Byron
I love my father. He brings into my days hilarity of which bring me unestimable pleasure. This is only one example of his influence in who I am today.
"Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant."
Quote of the day:
"I don't feel like being a slut tonight. Maybe some other time"
"I certainly hope so!"
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
midnight madness.
"Do not wait; the time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."
-George Herbert
There is nothing like lying in bed and listening to the world pass by. The sounds are more poinient in California-with everyone rushing about-and the echo of horns and screeching tires reaches to my open bedroom window. Why are we still here, still breathing... living? I fear that the extended lifespan of the human race has been caused by our lack of learning in 80 years what our predecessors learned in 50. Which makes me wonder if I'm learning anything worthwhile at all. The long and the short of it is that I am resolving to learn better. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and find something new, I've already found it; but now I much more thoroughly and intensly learn that which I profess to know... that which I love dearly.
Quote of the Moment:
"That is not why we're friends..." Yeah, but we are anyways!
-George Herbert
There is nothing like lying in bed and listening to the world pass by. The sounds are more poinient in California-with everyone rushing about-and the echo of horns and screeching tires reaches to my open bedroom window. Why are we still here, still breathing... living? I fear that the extended lifespan of the human race has been caused by our lack of learning in 80 years what our predecessors learned in 50. Which makes me wonder if I'm learning anything worthwhile at all. The long and the short of it is that I am resolving to learn better. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and find something new, I've already found it; but now I much more thoroughly and intensly learn that which I profess to know... that which I love dearly.
Quote of the Moment:
"That is not why we're friends..." Yeah, but we are anyways!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
"I take as metaphysical poetry that in which was is ordinarily apprehensible only by thought is brought within the grasp of feeling, or that which was is ordinarily only felt is transformed into thought without ceasing to be feeling."
-T. S. Eliot
I wish I were a metaphysical poet. I could spend my time contemplating nothing and call it a hard days work, but I'm too distractable. Even now, in professing this to you, I have been distracted by apple pie, roommates, and Hearts. Admittedly, if I could get back time spent in the pursuit of any mundane activity, I would take back my time spent playing computer/video games. It doesn't amount to much, but enough to bring shame to my family. May my ancestors forgive me.
Side note: In geology class I overheard the teacher mentioning Pater Noster and I immediately stopped correcting my paper for another class, wondering "what in tarnation my teacher was playing at, teaching the Our Father." Turns out that Patternoster is a sequence of lakes that is formed when glaciers receed. Pater Noster, on the other hand, is Latin for Our Father. I chuckled, coughed, and went back to my George Herbert paper.
All things aside this is the craziest finals week I've encountered, but I don't really mind. I have good friends to eat with me, laugh at me, and pretend for five minutes that the 20 page paper due the next day is as a snowflake, that when accumulated, builds into a mass of monsterous proportions that one must run from. I love my friends
Quotes of the Day:
"And we all know Byron is burning with all the fire and damnation... He's probably still arguing with God about it."
"So I saw a musinex comercial today and I thought of you."
"I wish for those ghetto booties..."
-T. S. Eliot
I wish I were a metaphysical poet. I could spend my time contemplating nothing and call it a hard days work, but I'm too distractable. Even now, in professing this to you, I have been distracted by apple pie, roommates, and Hearts. Admittedly, if I could get back time spent in the pursuit of any mundane activity, I would take back my time spent playing computer/video games. It doesn't amount to much, but enough to bring shame to my family. May my ancestors forgive me.
Side note: In geology class I overheard the teacher mentioning Pater Noster and I immediately stopped correcting my paper for another class, wondering "what in tarnation my teacher was playing at, teaching the Our Father." Turns out that Patternoster is a sequence of lakes that is formed when glaciers receed. Pater Noster, on the other hand, is Latin for Our Father. I chuckled, coughed, and went back to my George Herbert paper.
All things aside this is the craziest finals week I've encountered, but I don't really mind. I have good friends to eat with me, laugh at me, and pretend for five minutes that the 20 page paper due the next day is as a snowflake, that when accumulated, builds into a mass of monsterous proportions that one must run from. I love my friends
Quotes of the Day:
"And we all know Byron is burning with all the fire and damnation... He's probably still arguing with God about it."
"So I saw a musinex comercial today and I thought of you."
"I wish for those ghetto booties..."
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
missing salt.
There is only garlic salt in my kitchen, so what happenes when I am in need of a good salting and garlic's potent aroma is inexplicably unsuited for the task? I could do without, savoring the flavor of my potatoes, knowing they lack their former luster. I could unsuccesfully attempt the enjoyment of Mrs. Dash, but I think that certainly an age restriction must be enforced upon food products that instill such imagry as large gray-haired women running. Other seasonings just pale in comparison to the grainy saltiness that once permiated my mouth.
In other news: I finished my magazine. I will probably be carrying a copy around with me once I print off another one so ask me about it. It's pride, I know, but I worked hard, and the 'A' I will be recieving from the project is only a bonus to knowing that I can pull off a project of this magnitude. The greater reward was my teacher telling us that we set the curve. Ah the mirthful moments of self-indulgence that are abruptly countered with the humiliation of failing a Geology test. I deserved that.
In other news: I finished my magazine. I will probably be carrying a copy around with me once I print off another one so ask me about it. It's pride, I know, but I worked hard, and the 'A' I will be recieving from the project is only a bonus to knowing that I can pull off a project of this magnitude. The greater reward was my teacher telling us that we set the curve. Ah the mirthful moments of self-indulgence that are abruptly countered with the humiliation of failing a Geology test. I deserved that.
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Degrees
Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need.
~Margaret Mead
Things never seem to work out in the typical, he likes her, she likes him arrangement for me. Either I like him and he is vehemetly opposed to such ideas; he likes me while I fake an innocent, oblivious demenor; or other complications get in the way. Currently, I am interested in someone who may or may not think of me as a little sister, but whatever. There are many fish... though not all are as dashingly handsome. Also, I am ardently opposed to having a 'perfect' Mormon relationship which causes complications in the bubble I currently live in. I believe that it is only through time and trials that we are fully capable of showing emotions without emoting, so I really need some time in a relationship to truly come to know the other person. And I do think my friends sometimes rush their relationships due to pressure and religious constraints. My last roommate got married after having dated a short four months! I want a deep, genuine connection with another human being, spiritually, emotionally and physically (though I'll harness the last bit until marriage, thanks). For this I am willing to wait as long as necessary, even if I must graduate from BYU-Idaho without the prized Mrs. Degree.
Sorry for raving. I just think this is worth waiting for, or maybe I'm simply delusional. Take your pick.
In other news, my sister is having surgery on Thursday, November 7th. I'll be praying for you me-elen.
~Margaret Mead
Things never seem to work out in the typical, he likes her, she likes him arrangement for me. Either I like him and he is vehemetly opposed to such ideas; he likes me while I fake an innocent, oblivious demenor; or other complications get in the way. Currently, I am interested in someone who may or may not think of me as a little sister, but whatever. There are many fish... though not all are as dashingly handsome. Also, I am ardently opposed to having a 'perfect' Mormon relationship which causes complications in the bubble I currently live in. I believe that it is only through time and trials that we are fully capable of showing emotions without emoting, so I really need some time in a relationship to truly come to know the other person. And I do think my friends sometimes rush their relationships due to pressure and religious constraints. My last roommate got married after having dated a short four months! I want a deep, genuine connection with another human being, spiritually, emotionally and physically (though I'll harness the last bit until marriage, thanks). For this I am willing to wait as long as necessary, even if I must graduate from BYU-Idaho without the prized Mrs. Degree.
Sorry for raving. I just think this is worth waiting for, or maybe I'm simply delusional. Take your pick.
In other news, my sister is having surgery on Thursday, November 7th. I'll be praying for you me-elen.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
“There's no workman, whatsoever he be, That may both work well and hastily”
- Geoffrey Chaucer
I have nothing of importance to say really. I love my mom, and the whole fam damily, and I love my friends and my roommates. They are how I choose to define me - along with my membership in the church. So here's to all the dumb quizzes I said I'd never do.
Unknown Facts/Secrets About Yourself
1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship? Nonchalantly Vague
2. What was the last thing you threw up? I had a bad experience
3. Menthol or regular cigarettes? Smoking is horrid
4. Does anyone have any blackmail on you? Well, Steph does keep bringing up my falling into the pizza...
6. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? There is no celebrity that I could truly put up with
7. Have you been to a strip club? Never
8. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? My roommate! :)
9. Are you wearing socks right now? Nope
10. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
11. What are you wearing right now? My PJ's
12. What's the last thing you ate? Baked potato with cheese and broccoli.
13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? No
14. When is the last time you ran? To class?
15. What's the last sporting event you watched? N/A
16. Last movie you saw? White Christmas
17. Who Is the last person you sent a message to on facebook? Travis Tidball. A guy who taught me the discussions
18. Ever go to camp? Yes, and was a counselor. More on that another time
19. Were you an honor roll student in school? HA! no
20. Do you like sushi? YUMMY!
21. Do you have a tan? have you met me?? no? just call me pasty
22. How old do you want to be when you have kids? 25-26
23. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? um. yes.
24. What is your age? 21
25. Are you someone's best friend? I hope so
26. What are your siblings' middle names? Ellen and Thomas
27. Where is your dad right now? In bed
28. What was the last thing you said? Goodnight
29. What color is your watch? silver
30. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Kangaroos and hot men
31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Freaking Magic Mountain is amazing kids
32. Favorite gemstone? Opal
33. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Depends on if Steph and Lindsay are there.
34. Do you have a roommate? Count it, 5
35. What is your favorite number? 4
36. Are you allergic to anything? Milk, dust, chalk, olive trees, port-a-potties and boys. No wait, they're allergic to me.
38. Favorite shoes that you wear all the time? Reef Sandals. Try them, you'll convert!
39.What is one thing you've learned about life recently? Satan gave his light for rhetoric. Now, upon loosing his light, that is all he has left to torment us with, and he is jealous of our light enough to attept to keep it from us.
40. Are you jealous of anyone? Not really
41. Is anyone jealous of you? They shouldn't be
- Geoffrey Chaucer
I have nothing of importance to say really. I love my mom, and the whole fam damily, and I love my friends and my roommates. They are how I choose to define me - along with my membership in the church. So here's to all the dumb quizzes I said I'd never do.
Unknown Facts/Secrets About Yourself
1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship? Nonchalantly Vague
2. What was the last thing you threw up? I had a bad experience
3. Menthol or regular cigarettes? Smoking is horrid
4. Does anyone have any blackmail on you? Well, Steph does keep bringing up my falling into the pizza...
6. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? There is no celebrity that I could truly put up with
7. Have you been to a strip club? Never
8. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? My roommate! :)
9. Are you wearing socks right now? Nope
10. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
11. What are you wearing right now? My PJ's
12. What's the last thing you ate? Baked potato with cheese and broccoli.
13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? No
14. When is the last time you ran? To class?
15. What's the last sporting event you watched? N/A
16. Last movie you saw? White Christmas
17. Who Is the last person you sent a message to on facebook? Travis Tidball. A guy who taught me the discussions
18. Ever go to camp? Yes, and was a counselor. More on that another time
19. Were you an honor roll student in school? HA! no
20. Do you like sushi? YUMMY!
21. Do you have a tan? have you met me?? no? just call me pasty
22. How old do you want to be when you have kids? 25-26
23. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? um. yes.
24. What is your age? 21
25. Are you someone's best friend? I hope so
26. What are your siblings' middle names? Ellen and Thomas
27. Where is your dad right now? In bed
28. What was the last thing you said? Goodnight
29. What color is your watch? silver
30. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Kangaroos and hot men
31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Freaking Magic Mountain is amazing kids
32. Favorite gemstone? Opal
33. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Depends on if Steph and Lindsay are there.
34. Do you have a roommate? Count it, 5
35. What is your favorite number? 4
36. Are you allergic to anything? Milk, dust, chalk, olive trees, port-a-potties and boys. No wait, they're allergic to me.
38. Favorite shoes that you wear all the time? Reef Sandals. Try them, you'll convert!
39.What is one thing you've learned about life recently? Satan gave his light for rhetoric. Now, upon loosing his light, that is all he has left to torment us with, and he is jealous of our light enough to attept to keep it from us.
40. Are you jealous of anyone? Not really
41. Is anyone jealous of you? They shouldn't be
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The Mask
Why is it that the most important things in my family get overlooked? My sister was in the hospital overnight with heart problems and who gets told but a day later? Right, me. Mostly I'm just using this annoyance as a mask to hide my fear. It's not every 23-year-old that is taken to the emergency room with heart failure... Only she could manage it. I say she should just dump her unsupportive, controlling, perfidious boyfriend and find a good Mormon boy.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Water, Water Everywhere...
Today being Sunday, I was able to attend Sacrament Meeting with the stake and become increasingly wrought by the question: What happens to those still wanting spiritual nourishment after all the little cups of water are gone? Apparently, they just bless more. In a Catholic Mass, they simply store the host (communion/sacrament... whatever you prefer) that has been previously blessed and unused in the chapel and retrieve it when they are in dire straits. Speaking of the Catholic Church, this has been running through my brain today... This prayer is said before the blessing of the sacrament to signify the congregation to kneel.
Holy, Holy, Holy Lord,
God of Power and Might,
Heaven and Earth are full of Your glory
Hosanna in the Highest!
Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord
Hosanna in the Highest!
How cold and distant these words have become.
Holy, Holy, Holy Lord,
God of Power and Might,
Heaven and Earth are full of Your glory
Hosanna in the Highest!
Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord
Hosanna in the Highest!
How cold and distant these words have become.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Found Present Accidentally
Music of the Moment: Frou Frou
I am in love with the written word and with this so-called super-human characteristic I choose to use words with which even I am unfamiliar, in the attempt to satisfy my linguistic appetite. I apologize forthwith.
I feel the need to purge myself of certain frustrations that have begun to fester. Firstly, I find myself in a constant state of disappointment: both with myself, and others. I'm fairly certain that my cousin lost her virginity this month, causing me great distress because we were the only two cousins (on my father's side at least) who had decidedly abstained from such promiscuous activities. But then there's me, with my profession of a higher understanding of 'truth,' who has failed to reach beyond where the missionaries left me nigh unto 18 months ago. That, at least, is how I feel - which should count for something. I just believe that I am capable of more... but I continually rely on others for my spiritual development because I lack the confidence to make difficult steps on my own. Maybe I'm just learning the traits necessary to a good Mormon wife. My comfort is that I continue to choose uplifting friends, who teach me that spirituality is not abnormal and can (an will) become a constant in life.
The second grievance is with future planning. I still want to get a Master's Degree, but when, where, and how are only some of the questions that plague my feeble desire to attain one. I prospectively graduate from BYU Idaho on July 18th. WAHOOOO!!! However, I then have to move, get a job, and join the depleting population of productive adults. My parents want me to move home - yes they actually want me to move back after the travesty that was my baptism into the Church. I am currently leaning towards moving to Provo due to the abundance of friends and the possibility to find a companion. Yes. I am moving with this purpose, but I have to conquer my fear of getting married sometime! Actually, I just need to find someone to practice loving infinitely more than myself. I'm working on it. Some friends have provided ample practice in that area, and I love them more than I could say out loud... my family just doesn't do that.
I am simply 21, trying to figure out what my life's vocation should be.
I am in love with the written word and with this so-called super-human characteristic I choose to use words with which even I am unfamiliar, in the attempt to satisfy my linguistic appetite. I apologize forthwith.
I feel the need to purge myself of certain frustrations that have begun to fester. Firstly, I find myself in a constant state of disappointment: both with myself, and others. I'm fairly certain that my cousin lost her virginity this month, causing me great distress because we were the only two cousins (on my father's side at least) who had decidedly abstained from such promiscuous activities. But then there's me, with my profession of a higher understanding of 'truth,' who has failed to reach beyond where the missionaries left me nigh unto 18 months ago. That, at least, is how I feel - which should count for something. I just believe that I am capable of more... but I continually rely on others for my spiritual development because I lack the confidence to make difficult steps on my own. Maybe I'm just learning the traits necessary to a good Mormon wife. My comfort is that I continue to choose uplifting friends, who teach me that spirituality is not abnormal and can (an will) become a constant in life.
The second grievance is with future planning. I still want to get a Master's Degree, but when, where, and how are only some of the questions that plague my feeble desire to attain one. I prospectively graduate from BYU Idaho on July 18th. WAHOOOO!!! However, I then have to move, get a job, and join the depleting population of productive adults. My parents want me to move home - yes they actually want me to move back after the travesty that was my baptism into the Church. I am currently leaning towards moving to Provo due to the abundance of friends and the possibility to find a companion. Yes. I am moving with this purpose, but I have to conquer my fear of getting married sometime! Actually, I just need to find someone to practice loving infinitely more than myself. I'm working on it. Some friends have provided ample practice in that area, and I love them more than I could say out loud... my family just doesn't do that.
I am simply 21, trying to figure out what my life's vocation should be.
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