The Mask

Why is it that the most important things in my family get overlooked? My sister was in the hospital overnight with heart problems and who gets told but a day later? Right, me. Mostly I'm just using this annoyance as a mask to hide my fear. It's not every 23-year-old that is taken to the emergency room with heart failure... Only she could manage it. I say she should just dump her unsupportive, controlling, perfidious boyfriend and find a good Mormon boy.

Water, Water Everywhere...

Today being Sunday, I was able to attend Sacrament Meeting with the stake and become increasingly wrought by the question: What happens to those still wanting spiritual nourishment after all the little cups of water are gone? Apparently, they just bless more. In a Catholic Mass, they simply store the host (communion/sacrament... whatever you prefer) that has been previously blessed and unused in the chapel and retrieve it when they are in dire straits. Speaking of the Catholic Church, this has been running through my brain today... This prayer is said before the blessing of the sacrament to signify the congregation to kneel.

Holy, Holy, Holy Lord,
God of Power and Might,
Heaven and Earth are full of Your glory
Hosanna in the Highest!
Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord
Hosanna in the Highest!

How cold and distant these words have become.

Found Present Accidentally

Music of the Moment: Frou Frou

I am in love with the written word and with this so-called super-human characteristic I choose to use words with which even I am unfamiliar, in the attempt to satisfy my linguistic appetite. I apologize forthwith.

I feel the need to purge myself of certain frustrations that have begun to fester. Firstly, I find myself in a constant state of disappointment: both with myself, and others. I'm fairly certain that my cousin lost her virginity this month, causing me great distress because we were the only two cousins (on my father's side at least) who had decidedly abstained from such promiscuous activities. But then there's me, with my profession of a higher understanding of 'truth,' who has failed to reach beyond where the missionaries left me nigh unto 18 months ago. That, at least, is how I feel - which should count for something. I just believe that I am capable of more... but I continually rely on others for my spiritual development because I lack the confidence to make difficult steps on my own. Maybe I'm just learning the traits necessary to a good Mormon wife. My comfort is that I continue to choose uplifting friends, who teach me that spirituality is not abnormal and can (an will) become a constant in life.

The second grievance is with future planning. I still want to get a Master's Degree, but when, where, and how are only some of the questions that plague my feeble desire to attain one. I prospectively graduate from BYU Idaho on July 18th. WAHOOOO!!! However, I then have to move, get a job, and join the depleting population of productive adults. My parents want me to move home - yes they actually want me to move back after the travesty that was my baptism into the Church. I am currently leaning towards moving to Provo due to the abundance of friends and the possibility to find a companion. Yes. I am moving with this purpose, but I have to conquer my fear of getting married sometime! Actually, I just need to find someone to practice loving infinitely more than myself. I'm working on it. Some friends have provided ample practice in that area, and I love them more than I could say out loud... my family just doesn't do that.

I am simply 21, trying to figure out what my life's vocation should be.