calming down...

Brown Penny

William Butler Yeats

I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.


The purpose of poetry is make you feel something. again.

empowering the powerless.

"A man gains no possession better than a good woman, nothing more horrible that a bad one."
-unknown

I hate how having feelings for someone gives them an unknown power over you. For instance I'm steamed right now at this boy for liking this blond bimbo... but she's skinny and cute and that's all that matters right? Why do we entrust such a deep part of ourselves with those most likely to hurt and punish us for it? I know it's all part of some plan, finding someone to love so deeply that we, ourselves, can emulate with another the love that our savior has for us... I guess I just answered my own question. I feel a small portion of the pain and scorn our Heavenly Father and His Son feel when we turn from him, knowingly or not; and in our own understanding we come closer to Them. That sucks. One both sides I mean. I am so grateful for my capacity to feel happiness that I guess I forget that the same stroke of good fortune bears bitterness and sorrow within its blow...

... but it's never better to feel nothing.


Quote of the Moment:

"I'm so good, I put clean thoughts in your head."
(My Herbal Essence Shampoo Bottle)

the dynamics of family.

Love is not love which alters where it alteration finds.
William Shakespeare

My family dynamics are follows:
Someone initiates funny comment.
All laugh at funny comment.
Carry on polite, intermittent conversation for twenty minutes.
Repeat.

As wonderful as my family is, they are in desperate need some excitement in their lives. So "there's no place like home for the holidays," and I have immersed myself in baking cookies, shopping for presents and fighting with my brother over the car. I have missed being home.

Speaking of family dynamics, the Chatterfamily still cracks me up. Apparently my friendship with Crackerton is contingent upon the payment of one 'secret Christmas jammies.' What we failed to tell her was that there was $100 sewed into the seams. Why else would Chattermom have sent the jammies wrapped in a secure box? Chatterben is democratic with insults, considering each case with equality and poignantly scathing everyone equally to his own delectation. It all makes me laugh.

Quote of the moment:

"Awww.... You made me ink"
(while considering Pirates of the Caribbean's Davey Jones at 7)

daddy's girl.

"The devil was the first democrat."
-Lord Byron

I love my father. He brings into my days hilarity of which bring me unestimable pleasure. This is only one example of his influence in who I am today.

"Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant."

Quote of the day:

"I don't feel like being a slut tonight. Maybe some other time"
"I certainly hope so!"

midnight madness.

"Do not wait; the time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."
-George Herbert

There is nothing like lying in bed and listening to the world pass by. The sounds are more poinient in California-with everyone rushing about-and the echo of horns and screeching tires reaches to my open bedroom window. Why are we still here, still breathing... living? I fear that the extended lifespan of the human race has been caused by our lack of learning in 80 years what our predecessors learned in 50. Which makes me wonder if I'm learning anything worthwhile at all. The long and the short of it is that I am resolving to learn better. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and find something new, I've already found it; but now I much more thoroughly and intensly learn that which I profess to know... that which I love dearly.

Quote of the Moment:

"That is not why we're friends..." Yeah, but we are anyways!

"I take as metaphysical poetry that in which was is ordinarily apprehensible only by thought is brought within the grasp of feeling, or that which was is ordinarily only felt is transformed into thought without ceasing to be feeling."
-T. S. Eliot

I wish I were a metaphysical poet. I could spend my time contemplating nothing and call it a hard days work, but I'm too distractable. Even now, in professing this to you, I have been distracted by apple pie, roommates, and Hearts. Admittedly, if I could get back time spent in the pursuit of any mundane activity, I would take back my time spent playing computer/video games. It doesn't amount to much, but enough to bring shame to my family. May my ancestors forgive me.

Side note: In geology class I overheard the teacher mentioning Pater Noster and I immediately stopped correcting my paper for another class, wondering "what in tarnation my teacher was playing at, teaching the Our Father." Turns out that Patternoster is a sequence of lakes that is formed when glaciers receed. Pater Noster, on the other hand, is Latin for Our Father. I chuckled, coughed, and went back to my George Herbert paper.

All things aside this is the craziest finals week I've encountered, but I don't really mind. I have good friends to eat with me, laugh at me, and pretend for five minutes that the 20 page paper due the next day is as a snowflake, that when accumulated, builds into a mass of monsterous proportions that one must run from. I love my friends

Quotes of the Day:

"And we all know Byron is burning with all the fire and damnation... He's probably still arguing with God about it."

"So I saw a musinex comercial today and I thought of you."

"I wish for those ghetto booties..."

missing salt.

There is only garlic salt in my kitchen, so what happenes when I am in need of a good salting and garlic's potent aroma is inexplicably unsuited for the task? I could do without, savoring the flavor of my potatoes, knowing they lack their former luster. I could unsuccesfully attempt the enjoyment of Mrs. Dash, but I think that certainly an age restriction must be enforced upon food products that instill such imagry as large gray-haired women running. Other seasonings just pale in comparison to the grainy saltiness that once permiated my mouth.

In other news: I finished my magazine. I will probably be carrying a copy around with me once I print off another one so ask me about it. It's pride, I know, but I worked hard, and the 'A' I will be recieving from the project is only a bonus to knowing that I can pull off a project of this magnitude. The greater reward was my teacher telling us that we set the curve. Ah the mirthful moments of self-indulgence that are abruptly countered with the humiliation of failing a Geology test. I deserved that.

Degrees

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need.
~Margaret Mead

Things never seem to work out in the typical, he likes her, she likes him arrangement for me. Either I like him and he is vehemetly opposed to such ideas; he likes me while I fake an innocent, oblivious demenor; or other complications get in the way. Currently, I am interested in someone who may or may not think of me as a little sister, but whatever. There are many fish... though not all are as dashingly handsome. Also, I am ardently opposed to having a 'perfect' Mormon relationship which causes complications in the bubble I currently live in. I believe that it is only through time and trials that we are fully capable of showing emotions without emoting, so I really need some time in a relationship to truly come to know the other person. And I do think my friends sometimes rush their relationships due to pressure and religious constraints. My last roommate got married after having dated a short four months! I want a deep, genuine connection with another human being, spiritually, emotionally and physically (though I'll harness the last bit until marriage, thanks). For this I am willing to wait as long as necessary, even if I must graduate from BYU-Idaho without the prized Mrs. Degree.

Sorry for raving. I just think this is worth waiting for, or maybe I'm simply delusional. Take your pick.

In other news, my sister is having surgery on Thursday, November 7th. I'll be praying for you me-elen.

“There's no workman, whatsoever he be, That may both work well and hastily”
- Geoffrey Chaucer

I have nothing of importance to say really. I love my mom, and the whole fam damily, and I love my friends and my roommates. They are how I choose to define me - along with my membership in the church. So here's to all the dumb quizzes I said I'd never do.

Unknown Facts/Secrets About Yourself

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship? Nonchalantly Vague

2. What was the last thing you threw up? I had a bad experience

3. Menthol or regular cigarettes? Smoking is horrid

4. Does anyone have any blackmail on you? Well, Steph does keep bringing up my falling into the pizza...

6. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? There is no celebrity that I could truly put up with

7. Have you been to a strip club? Never

8. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? My roommate! :)

9. Are you wearing socks right now? Nope

10. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water

11. What are you wearing right now? My PJ's

12. What's the last thing you ate? Baked potato with cheese and broccoli.

13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? No

14. When is the last time you ran? To class?

15. What's the last sporting event you watched? N/A

16. Last movie you saw? White Christmas

17. Who Is the last person you sent a message to on facebook? Travis Tidball. A guy who taught me the discussions

18. Ever go to camp? Yes, and was a counselor. More on that another time

19. Were you an honor roll student in school? HA! no

20. Do you like sushi? YUMMY!

21. Do you have a tan? have you met me?? no? just call me pasty

22. How old do you want to be when you have kids? 25-26

23. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? um. yes.

24. What is your age? 21

25. Are you someone's best friend? I hope so

26. What are your siblings' middle names? Ellen and Thomas

27. Where is your dad right now? In bed

28. What was the last thing you said? Goodnight

29. What color is your watch? silver

30. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Kangaroos and hot men

31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Freaking Magic Mountain is amazing kids

32. Favorite gemstone? Opal

33. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Depends on if Steph and Lindsay are there.

34. Do you have a roommate? Count it, 5

35. What is your favorite number? 4

36. Are you allergic to anything? Milk, dust, chalk, olive trees, port-a-potties and boys. No wait, they're allergic to me.

38. Favorite shoes that you wear all the time? Reef Sandals. Try them, you'll convert!

39.What is one thing you've learned about life recently? Satan gave his light for rhetoric. Now, upon loosing his light, that is all he has left to torment us with, and he is jealous of our light enough to attept to keep it from us.

40. Are you jealous of anyone? Not really

41. Is anyone jealous of you? They shouldn't be

The Mask

Why is it that the most important things in my family get overlooked? My sister was in the hospital overnight with heart problems and who gets told but a day later? Right, me. Mostly I'm just using this annoyance as a mask to hide my fear. It's not every 23-year-old that is taken to the emergency room with heart failure... Only she could manage it. I say she should just dump her unsupportive, controlling, perfidious boyfriend and find a good Mormon boy.

Water, Water Everywhere...

Today being Sunday, I was able to attend Sacrament Meeting with the stake and become increasingly wrought by the question: What happens to those still wanting spiritual nourishment after all the little cups of water are gone? Apparently, they just bless more. In a Catholic Mass, they simply store the host (communion/sacrament... whatever you prefer) that has been previously blessed and unused in the chapel and retrieve it when they are in dire straits. Speaking of the Catholic Church, this has been running through my brain today... This prayer is said before the blessing of the sacrament to signify the congregation to kneel.

Holy, Holy, Holy Lord,
God of Power and Might,
Heaven and Earth are full of Your glory
Hosanna in the Highest!
Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord
Hosanna in the Highest!

How cold and distant these words have become.

Found Present Accidentally

Music of the Moment: Frou Frou

I am in love with the written word and with this so-called super-human characteristic I choose to use words with which even I am unfamiliar, in the attempt to satisfy my linguistic appetite. I apologize forthwith.

I feel the need to purge myself of certain frustrations that have begun to fester. Firstly, I find myself in a constant state of disappointment: both with myself, and others. I'm fairly certain that my cousin lost her virginity this month, causing me great distress because we were the only two cousins (on my father's side at least) who had decidedly abstained from such promiscuous activities. But then there's me, with my profession of a higher understanding of 'truth,' who has failed to reach beyond where the missionaries left me nigh unto 18 months ago. That, at least, is how I feel - which should count for something. I just believe that I am capable of more... but I continually rely on others for my spiritual development because I lack the confidence to make difficult steps on my own. Maybe I'm just learning the traits necessary to a good Mormon wife. My comfort is that I continue to choose uplifting friends, who teach me that spirituality is not abnormal and can (an will) become a constant in life.

The second grievance is with future planning. I still want to get a Master's Degree, but when, where, and how are only some of the questions that plague my feeble desire to attain one. I prospectively graduate from BYU Idaho on July 18th. WAHOOOO!!! However, I then have to move, get a job, and join the depleting population of productive adults. My parents want me to move home - yes they actually want me to move back after the travesty that was my baptism into the Church. I am currently leaning towards moving to Provo due to the abundance of friends and the possibility to find a companion. Yes. I am moving with this purpose, but I have to conquer my fear of getting married sometime! Actually, I just need to find someone to practice loving infinitely more than myself. I'm working on it. Some friends have provided ample practice in that area, and I love them more than I could say out loud... my family just doesn't do that.

I am simply 21, trying to figure out what my life's vocation should be.