companionship vs. autonomy

In avoidance of sentimental crap I have found myself incapable of blogging anything recently. I miss her, she bugs, I wish he would ask me out--all become trivial when you take in a broader perspective. I graduate in 12 weeks. I move to California. I grow up.

But what does growing up entail? Is there some secret ritual one imagines can only be appropriate in a boy's locker room? Are eternal manifestations and visions bestowed upon the aged?

No. I am simply expected to meet the responsibilities of taking care of myself and becoming what society claims is productive. However, I am torn between the self-sufficiency that I crave and the co-dependency that my soul yearns for. I want companionship and autonomy.

Do I have to choose?

breaking up is hard to do.

“You’re very fetching. So go... fetch.”

Breakups are a drag. It has given me a stomach ache just seeing him at all since then. You’d think the mutuality of it would help, but I assume hurt feelings cannot be helped. I don’t know what hurts more, losing a friend or the companionship, but why can’t I make a concrete decision ever? Questions compounded upon more questions about whether I’m making the right decisions don’t help the situation… but that’s the clincher isn’t it? This is supposed to be easy—the beginnings at least—and that made my decision for me. Life is about hard decisions: like what fast-food restaurant to go to in a pinch and who’s going to do the dishes tonight. I made one, of many difficult to come, and I’m moving on; but not without the slightest tinge of remorse.
Moving on… I was asked to n.c.m.o. with a friend to get over it. Maybe I’ll have a fling in the gardens on our date next week. Or maybe I’ll get lucky in Provo who knows. That one’s for you Stephie.

Political two cents: I hate that 37% of Americans would not vote for an LDS Presidential Candidate. I often forget that the Mormon bias extends further than my own backyard. What can you do? Sleep well and don’t get hives… they’re itchy.

And today's Zen Proverb is...

Life is like stepping onto a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink.
-Shunryu Suzuki

My english professor aptly opens class each day with a new zen proverb, hoping beyond probability that our functioningminds will glean enlightenment from these quotations. This one, for example, makes me think that life's going to give me constant ear infections. Or, if related to the gospel, we must cling to the idea of a Tritanic God, because if there's nothing beyond the haze of water we're all just dead anyhow.

On the boy front, clouds are pulling in.

Kiss the Girl?

What of soul was left, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop?
- Robert Browning

Well not Yet...

So dating is fun. Especially when he has been a good friend. I can only hope that these trends continue in our favor. I could not ask for a more sweet, lovable person... but the questions now remains: Is he my boyfriend? No. Not until he musters up the courage to kiss me. That might take some time, mind you, so be patient. Otherwise it will double my own anticipation. If you havn't already had the pleasure to kiss someone with whom you just fit together like pieces of a long forgotten puzzle, I suggest you try it.

Song in my head...

"I'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and, when we kiss they're perfectly aligned."
-Postal Service

useless political diatribes? this is what counts.

I live without fear, turmoil, pain. No one has ever restricted my basic rights. The following is an except from the diary of Lieutenant Mark Jennings Daily, a friend of a friend, who died in Iraq on January 14th. I am touched and pained, knowing that I am just one who has contributed nothing to this cause... neither supporting my country, nor myself by actively participating in political matters. These are his words, just two weeks before he died:

"I joined the fight because it occurred to me that many modern day "humanists" who claim to possess a genuine concern for human beings throughout the world are in fact quite content to allow their fellow "global citizens" to suffer under the most hideous state apparatuses and conditions. Their excuses used to be my excuses. When asked why we shouldn't confront the Ba'ath party, the Taliban or the various other tyrannies throughout this world, my answers would allude to vague notions of cultural tolerance (forcing women to wear a veil and stay indoors is such a quaint cultural tradition), the sanctity of national sovereignty (how eager we internationalists are to throw up borders to defend dictatorships!) or even a creeping suspicion of America's intentions. When all else failed, I would retreat to my fragile moral ecosystem that years of living in peace and liberty had provided me. I would write off war because civilian casualties were guaranteed, or temporary alliances with illiberal forces would be made, or tank fuel was toxic for the environment. My fellow "humanists" and I would relish contently in our self righteous declaration of opposition against all military campaigns against dictatorships, congratulating one another for refusing to taint that aforementioned fragile moral ecosystem that many still cradle with all the revolutionary tenacity of the members of Rage Against the Machine and Greenday. Others would point to America's historical support of Saddam Hussein, sighting it as hypocritical that we would now vilify him as a thug and a tyrant. Upon explaining that we did so to ward off the fiercely Islamist Iran, which was correctly identified as the greater threat at the time, eyes are rolled and hypocrisy is declared. Forgetting that America sided with Stalin to defeat Hitler, who was promptly confronted once the Nazis were destroyed, America's initial engagement with Saddam and other regional actors is identified as the ultimate argument against America's moral crusade.

"And maybe it is. Maybe the reality of politics makes all political action inherently crude and immoral. Or maybe it is these adventures in philosophical masturbation that prevent people from ever taking any kind of effective action against men like Saddam Hussein. One thing is for certain, as disagreeable or as confusing as my decision to enter the fray may be, consider what peace vigils against genocide have accomplished lately. Consider that there are 19 year old soldiers from the Midwest who have never touched a college campus or a protest who have done more to uphold the universal legitimacy of representative government and individual rights by placing themselves between Iraqi voting lines and homicidal religious fanatics."

Life is less about how clean your actions are and more about how pure your intentions are.

the tree of life and other social nudity.

"You could dig a big pit!"
-Steph
"And throw all the naked people in there?"
-Christine

Does this make you nervous also? Communal nudity is a little sketchy if you ask me. I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. Maybe it's ritualistic, or maybe the "turn and cough" thing really does have merit. But according to Dr. Helga Fleishhauer Hardt, "a child who has never been allowed to see his parents and brothers and sisters naked sees nudity as something shocking." Maybe that's my problem; although I can take none of this to heart. I bathed with my siblings in my youth and I still think group showering is cruel... but I've never been there. I'm just shaken from my experiences in the girls locker room where they've just up and changed if front of everyone. Awkward. Rant over.

But at the same time... have you ever been skinny dipping? It's quite liberating.

Quote of the Moment:

"I bite for good and for evil"

"He is blindfolded, you could do whatever you want!... Yeah! Whatever you want Christine."

never name your excrement.

I never thought a wedding would be so stressful! I am in Phoenix right now helping my best friend to plan and shop for her wedding; and as productive as we've been, I cannot help but think this whole thing isn't worth the bother and eloping is the only way to maintain sanity. There have been fights, emotional breakdowns from more than one member of the party and I am continuing to grind my teeth beyond help. Btw... I went to the dentist and he said that I had clenched my jaw so hard in the past few months that I cracked two of my teeth. I'm going to need fillings. Eeek! Anyways, I go home tomorrow, and I welcome the sight of Rexburg and my old friends. If only I could make a pit stop in Colorado it would be perfect.

Quotes of the Trip.
(There were too many I couldn't choose just one!)

"You should never name your excrement"
(In hushed tones while speaking of a certain Winnie)

"He's not a nephew, he's family."

"They're falling!"
(Said as Whitney's mother pulled batteries from her bra... it really looked like she was talking about her chest!)

Infant nephew gets curious about the garter after the garter toss and then proceeds to find out for himself what is the prize that lies within.

Whitney, Shea and I did a visual representation of how the world revolves around Katie, chanting while circling her unamused form. It was classic.

rockin resolutions.

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions."
-Joey Adams

It has been my experience that resolutions only last as long as the force pushing them, but here are some of my goals anyways.

1. Work OUT!
2. Keep all of my promises, even to myself
3. Call my sister more.
4. Get kissed like it's the first time all over again. In a blaze of inexhaustible inhibition and awkward assumptions.
5. Read twenty good books. If they're not good, they don't make the the list... and children's books shouldn't count... but I'm going to anyways!
6. Stop wanting for things I cannot/shouldn't have, but keep wishing and dreaming.

[Insert British Accent].
I don't understand the point of all of this actually. I wish I had the drive to start each new day as though it were a new year. It's not as though it's less important, just more minuscule in comparison. As my English accent is worse than you're imagining, let's ease off a bit. I just hope to live and love to the same degree as last year, only with better aim. Because let's face it, we all need a little target practice.